My best advice for women in their 20s
I had an epiphany when I was 26. It was a Sunday evening and I was at my desk in a dark office at NBC News. I had been there all weekend working on my master’s thesis, my final project after two long years of part-time graduate school at the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism, when I got a call from one of my best friends to tell me she got engaged. A perfect, unexpected proposal while on a romantic ski trip. “Yay!” I shouted and cried with her. And then after I hung up the phone, I let out a sad sigh and went back to the quiet darkness.
It was like that moment in Bridesmaids that so many of us can relate to, when Kristen Wiig’s character finds out her best friend, played by Maya Rudolph, gets engaged. Like, yes of course I was happy for her, and I’m not so self-consumed that I can’t rise to the occasion for my friends. But it’s inevitable that when big moments happen for others, you can’t help but assess your own life. Things weren’t happening like I had expected. My dream guy hadn’t appeared, I wasn’t going to have my first baby at 28 like my teenage self had decided, I was still living in a walkup apartment with student loans, and let me tell you, it started a complete anxiety spiral slash identity crisis.
It was then that I realized that if I wanted something to happen, it was on me. I needed to transfer energy, which at the time was entirely focused towards surviving work / school, into my personal life. [This was clearly before this wonderful self-care moment we are living in, lol]. Call me naive, but I bet a lot of women in my generation can relate to the husband, house, kids, career, “you can have it all” narrative we were sold. I legitimately thought it would just happen, so much so that I literally neglected the personal sides of my life in favor of aggressive career focus the minute I left undergrad.
Looking back at that time, it’s like my brain shifted. My life went from hypothetical ideals to basic math. It was as if I could see 1, 5, 10 years into the future, and I recognized that if I wanted to have the engagement, the wedding, the kids, I needed to make it a priority now. And a mantra materialized from the depths of my memories: “If you want something done, you’ve got to do it yourself,” Sebastian the crab and yes, from The Little Mermaid. It was as if my little girl self had filed it away for future safe-keeping. I love this quote and I still call it to mind to this day [I hope you’re laughing, he’s so fckng right though].
So how exactly did my life change? It was a lot of micro changes that began with my approach to work. For the first time I thought of my job as a way to simply make money and more transactional than a lifestyle/my entire existence. I ramped up my workouts at the gym and began running long stretches along the East River after work. I cut back on toxic relationships, both romantic and plutonic, and invested time in the people who uplifted me. I planned out my weekends with fun activities months in advance, which literally attracted more people into my orbit. It’s wild, the more positive and happy you are, the more people want to be around you. I became the embodiment of the law of attraction.
And then, I kid you not, in a true full circle moment, I met my husband roughly a year later at my engaged friend's wedding. We didn’t have a surprise engagement - I basically gave him an ultimatum after 3.5 years, and I didn’t have our first child until I was 33. I don't have to tell you that things work out how they’re supposed to, blah blah, you’ve heard this before. The point is that I was able to articulate what I wanted, I organized my life accordingly, and for the most part, things began to fall into place.
At my own wedding, my maid of honor’s speech was about this seemingly magical ability she saw in me. She spoke about how I have the power to manifest things, like my career, Ivy League graduate school, and notably, my husband. And while that’s fun and literally crazy to think about as I imagine my sad and depressed self sitting alone in the dark in 30 Rock, it’s not woo woo witchcraft. I simply changed. I went from someone playing defense in life and surviving, to playing offense and proactively going for what I wanted in all the areas that I prioritized. The approach has not only affected my personal relationship and those bigger picture things I dreamed about, like motherhood, it has also spilled over into my career, financial investments, friendships, and family.
I wholeheartedly believe that if I’m living the healthiest, best version of myself, that the goodness I exude will pour out to others. That’s what I tell young people, and especially 20-something women, who I mentor when I share this story. It’s what I want for ALL of you. Don’t assume anything is going to happen for you and a little healthy paranoia to help motivate you is a good thing. Think about and OWN what you want in life. Pretend you’re on your deathbed and look back - what does it all look like? Also, if you’re feeling down, know that there’s plenty of room at the top for all of our unique selves, so time and energy spent on jealousy or sh*tting on other people is so wasteful [I’m human though, I get it], but just try to redirect that energy because it’s really in your best interest to do so.
For a very specific and tactical way to get started, I highly recommend The Five Minute Journal [I’m not sponsored by them, but I should be honestly]. It’s a daily habit that forces you to acknowledge your priorities and practice gratitude, which essentially serves as small building blocks to those big dreams. It’s practical manifestation, not magic, and I promise you it will at least get you on the path toward those next steps.
Xo, Melissa